Good Bye (for now) Yellow Brick Road

Last Friday I had to go see my Doctor because my knees were so very sore and burning. He recommended staying off my feet for the weekend, using ice etc...I did that and on Monday felt fine...went for a run at lunch on Monday and was back to square one. Went again on Wednesday and now I am off my feet altogether :(. He has said I should not run again until I am down to 200 lbs.....thats 50.1 away from right now. I can walk.....I can do yoga, and I can swim...but no more high impact anything on my knees.

I am devistated I have to tell you. I was so looking forward to being able to run 5K...being able to run for more than 2 minutes was a huge accompolishment for me! Each night after our classes I would go home and just feel so empowered and beautiful despite the sweat and the aches. The confidence I was gaining was apparent in everything I touched...I started out with my chin on my chest, afraid to let anyone see my face when I ran...and ended with my head held up proudly because I was doing it!

It has been a hard week...coming to this conclusion has been very hard...i will walk 3 times a week now to try to build up stength in my knees...and someone has told me that Body-Pump will help too...

I have to think of this as a pause...not a stop ..but I still feel terrible about it :(

God darned 40

2 running clinics, 1 new shin splint ,and a partridge in a pear tree

Soooo started a learn to run program with the lovely Michelle Kempton. I have to say it has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever done...and I have 2 kids. The people in this program are amazing though. It is quite humbling to be the second last person to finish every week, and have your partner be the mother of the organizer who informed me she is now 63. And I am pretty sure she is only walking to keep up with my run,,,that being said, I think I am becoming quite addicted. I got up again on Saturday morning and took Jake out for a run. We ran in the rain which I enjoyed and I managed to get much farther in my 1minute of run and 1 minute of walk than I normally do..I tried a trick that another runner told me..I am trying to visualize myself sitting on the sofa, and match my breathing to my visual as opposed to matching my breathing to my crazy attempts at running! Hopefully this will keep the asthma attacks at bay..sadly in 2 clinics, I have had 2 attacks.....c'est la vie.
Had an Epicure party tonight, not too many people attended but I still managed to hit over $200 in sales....my god if you have not tried the salsa mix, then you have not lived lol
My God baby was here for a visit today, she brought her bright smile, squishy kisses and beautiful spirit all of which cheered me up immensely....I wanted to keep her but alas, I always have to give her back.
MacKaela has a huge head cold, which made her qualification weekend for ringette a little challenging for her. She has exercise induced asthma and having her nose stuffy on top of that made her one snotty cranky girl...and made me one tired mommy.
Saw some old friends from college tonight...why is it that men never seem to age, but I feel like the minutes take another month off my life lol...I feel OLD.

This week at weight watchers I lost a whole 0.7 lbs for a grand total of 31.4.....and then I ate an angry poutine, 2 Charleston chew bars, 8 shortbread cookies, and a bowl of frozen chocolate yogurt.....then I had a quaesadia (spelling) and spicy fries.....completely off the radar with the food.....once in a while I splurge...and then once in a while I apparently lose it lol...I will now have  to work two times as hard this week, simply to maintain the loss I had last week...why oh why don't I learn
Seriously

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Don't we all secretly want to ride in the cart?

Those who know me, know my absolute intolerance for (what I perceive to be) negligent/inappropriate/pisspoor parenting.

I am about to rant, so if you need a coffee go get it now.

I am by no means a perfect parent. I am far from it. I make numerous mistakes, forget things, disappoint them, and sometimes just have to walk into the bedroom and shut the door. But I do not ever, intentionally disrespect my children. Now I know that there are people who are already saying.."they need to respect us, not us them"..but I have never understood why one has to be exclusive of the other.

I am trying hard to teach my girls to always respect others, to have respect for their body's and to treat themselves with respect. How can I show them what this all means, when I am treating them like kaka, and embarrassing/belittling them whether at home or in public. And in my experience, the folks who are complaining loudest about a child's lack of respect, are the same folks who show the child absolutely none in return.

I have been a witness to kids being pushed aside in movie line-ups, told their opinion didn't matter, that they shouldn't $%#@*&^ swear, and having their butts swatted because they hit their brother. (that'll learn em).....now after being exposed to all of that, we tell them to have enough respect for yourself to not allow your body to be used inappropriately, love what you see in the mirror, be an advocate against bullying, live up to your potential and remember hands are for hugging not hitting. Whata farce.

The mixed messaging some children are being sent is absolutely disparaging. And now..to what set me off today....

I popped into no Frills to pick up a lunch for work. After I found what I was looking for I noticed that the yogurt was on sale and headed over to the cooler to get some. Blocking the cooler was a lady about my size, who looked rather haggard. Her cart was empty, she was taking loudly on her cell phone about how many bags of cigarettes she wanted brought to her and how she had people waiting to buy them. This was all aggravating enough. Then I saw that two little girls, possible twins were holding on to the side of the cart. They were around 3, the same age as my God baby. One was very obviously doing the pee-pee dance, while the other one was pulling on her moms pant leg, trying very hard to get her attention and to climb into the cart. So far, neither of them were making a sound though. As one pulled on the pants leg, supermom kept pushing her back with her hand and telling her to wait. This went on for about 45 seconds, when the other one (needing to pee) finally let her mom know in no uncertain circumstances that she needed to go...now. Mom put the phone down to her shoulder and said ' You can wait'. There were still no groceries in the cart, mom hadn't moved, I had no yogurt and the girls started to cry. Supermom didn't mind though. She continued on with her cigarette order and only acknowledged them long enough to hiss at them to shut up and shhhhhh. The little one who needed to pee was starting to panic. She asked her mom to please take her to the pot. Her mother said 'you are wearing a f'*&^%  pull-up. if you need to piss, PISS!'...and went back to her call complaining about the kids. The crying of the girls had now taken on a little more energy, and I was getting ready to join them. They kept pulling at her clothes and saying ..Mommy, mommy, I want to get in the cart. . At this point she was reviewing last Thursday's episode of Survivor and didn't appreciate the interruptions....NOW...before I go any further, you need to know this. I also have two girls, I have been a single parent (I don't know if she was), I have been haggard, and bothered, and have actually left full grocery carts in stores when the girls didn't behave. I know what it means to be so frustrated that you can feel the fillings humming in your teeth, I know what it means to be overwhelmed with what needs to be done/paid for/bought/washed/cleaned/built/returned etc..so my feelings here are not coming from a place of 'holier than thou', and I certainly don't want to throw stones..but this made me cry.
Supermom had enough. She snapped her flip phone shut and turned on the two little girls like a nightmare. "ENOUGH" "You two don't deserve to sit in the cart""What the F*** is wrong with you" "I will put you in the cart when I am GD ready". "Jes** Chr**..you are embarrassing me". And all of this came out so barked and sharply that I was actually startled (and yogurtless).When Supermom yelled, they both became mute. The tears were still there and the little one who needed to pee looked to be trembling, but they didn't make a sound. I was still standing there, so I said (to this stranger), I can watch your (empty) cart if you want to take her to the bathroom. Her answer "she is just putting on an act.she just wants some f***** attention". and marched her cart on up the aisle while the two girls jogged behind her...silently.   I could have picked one up and walked out the door and I don't think mom would have even noticed. My heart was achy after this...And I immediately pictured my girlies. I know how much it would hurt them if I ever did those things. I honestly think they would be scarred.

If mom talks to them and about them like this in public, how are they treated at home? They are little...of course they want attention. How will they have self worth when they are treated like this, how will they think they deserve to have partners who treat them well, when their mom treats them badly? They didn't look like they were being physically abused, but honestly, sometimes the scars we don't see, are the worst ones!

Anyway...I know I sound sanctimonious when I say these things but I can assure you...my girls KNOW their opinions matter, that they are precious, that they are beautiful, that they deserve to be treated well, that kindness is always your first response, that their bodies are their own, that they are people, the same way a 30 year old is 'people'...And because they are people, their place in the line up at the movies is as important as an adults, and if they are butted ....say something..POLITELY...but say something, and because they are people, they deserve to be treated well, to be loved and to be spoken to civilly.

If I knew who these girls were, or if I could have read the licence plate, I would have called child services (and yes I waited around to  for them to come out..they were picked up by another woman driving a mini van and by the time I pulled my car around I couldn't read the license plate).

Maybe she is a great mom..maybe this was nothing but a snapshot of a really bad day..but honestly..the fact that both little girls knew to be silent when she yelled, and followed her mutely without argument, or further words tells me they have adapted to a life where going any farther has repercussions and the way they were spoken to was nothing new.

Now at 12 and 15...my girls still make me nuts, still drive me crazy and sometimes still ask me "Mommy can I sit in the cart?"..... and I still let them....

Time Flies when you're having..Life :)

January..thats what the top of my blog says. january since I posted anything on here. This morning I was thinking to myself, geesh I have not written anything for a few months now..lol..apparently more than a few months. Life just gets in the way some times. Today is Wednesday. How did that happen. It was Sunday yesterday. I turned 40 this year and now the days seem to be speeding by..I want to yell out and say, hey, take it easy, no rush, simmer, we have all kinds of time...but I guess we really don't!

Joined Weight Watchers after my 40th bday. I have lost 30.8 lbs so far! And I statrted Ralking....what is Ralking you may ask...well this is what I now call what I do every second day for about an hour..I try to run but end up walking. I am sure I look like a cross between Dolly Parton, the Hunchback of Notre Dame and Rosanne Barr, but I am trying anyway and I have to confess I now look forward to it....who knew!

Selling scrapbooking stuff now..Creative Memories...I love the stuff but I am a terrible salesperson lol...that being said I look forward to the times I get to spend with my ladies just chatting and hearing all about how someone elses life is going. It is all so dang interesting..and their problems are not mine! I get to cluck my tounge and say things like 'no way' and 'thats just crazy' and know that they like hearing about my stuff as much as I like hearing about theirs...oh and we scrpbook a little bit too lol http://ca.mycmsite.com/sites/aliciabillardns/

Have a close friend who had a cancer scare this year. Made me a little sick to think about it. She is the other part of my heart (the other girlie part, not the part that belongs to Tony B. lol) and I don't know what I would do if she was gone. I am happy to report that instead of cancer she has a rare thing that I cannot spell but amounts to a cyst inside of a duct inside of a gland...and the doctors had not seen one since 1992. Thats fine with me...I hope they never see one again.

MacKenzie and MacKaela now go to the same Junior High and it actually seems to be working out ok! They argue at home but at school KK has her eyes open to make sure Kenzie is ok. I have never sent them to the same schools in all the years thay have been going in an effort to ensure that KK's experience is her own, and Kenzie is independent, but maybe that was never the right thing to do. All Babies should come with how too manuals...that way we never have to look back at our decisions and say- was that the right thing to do...becuase clearly the manual would tell us which path is the one to travel.

I read an article today about the Ball player who had a homophobic slur on his face. Why would you do that? Why would anyone want to have anything that was remotely insulting written across their face, particularly when they will be photographed and on TV. Has someone thought to check this guys blood for drugs? Perhaps he woke up with it on his face and didnt check the mirror? Was he the victim of some insane practical joke? Did no one in the dugout notice this before he stood up? "Hey...dude...you gotta little something homophobic there on yer face....(licks thumb) lemme get that for ya" This just seems stupid all the way around.

Just finished girls softball for the summer. Now the parents have to play the kids in two weeks...Now this should be cute. I have not played ball for 8 years. 8 years ago I was 80lbs lighter. I wonder if I can lose 80lbs by the 30th? Doubtful eh. Thankfully I will be able to Ralk the bases no problem!

I joined a 'learn to run' program and I start on Tuesday coming. The lady who runs this program started off just like me! She lost 30 lbs, was 250 and wanted to get healthy and strong. I am looking forward to working with her but scared to death. I know I am going to get to the first class and be surrounded by LuLuLemon yoga pants, tight bums, and sports bras.....while I stand there in 3 bras (yes thats what it takes to keep these puppies in the kennel), Tony's Amherst college Tshirt and my Wal-Mart yoga pants...but great runners..love my runners. I am very intimidated by the thought of looking foolish but I know this is something I have to let go of. http://michellekempton.blogspot.ca/

Anywhooooo...enough drivel, but a great catch up...I promise to do my best , to do my duty to god, the queen and my country....oh wait...thats Brownies or Guides or Beavers or something...I promise to write more often :)

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Mommy I think I like girls

So I travel a wee bit for work, and like all good mommies I spend 7.5 hours out of 8 thinking about, texting, speaking to or fending off my kiddies while I am away. Every time I step foot outside of Nova Scotia however, something 'life altering' happens to MacKenzie. For example

April trip to NL - First period ever
May trip to NB - Broke up with BF via text (they are since reconciled and according to FB - married)
July trip to NB - Started Period again, worst experience ever as she thought that once you did this one time, you were done for life
etc etc etc..you get the picture.
January trip to NB - Decided she likes both boys AND girls.

Now... I don't care if she likes boys and/or girls. Personally I have always said people should just like people and who cares what sex they are. As long as they are of age and are not married - give'r. BUT, why oh why does she come to this conclusion when I am away? I spoke with her at length and assured her that that was normal and she is OK and life goes on. She advised that there is a girl....that she likes....I asked her if this girl also likes girls to which she responded that she did not know. I suggested that she wait for a bit before making her announcement about liking both boys and girls, and one in particular. Her answer to this...I already told her.. and a teacher..and a friend. Oh dear.... now, I know I am older than sand and senile in her opinion but I remember grade 8...and I remember the cruelty of girls, boys and other. Sure enough, when she got home last week from school she was devastated. Her new life choice has been spread through the school like wildfire, and her crush headed for the hills...turns out she only likes boys. (quell surprise). MacKenzie's boyfriend Ty was completely shocked but supportive and has decided that it is OK for her to like girls too, as long as she is still his girlfriend and not seeing anyone else. As they have been together for almost a year now, and she has yet to let him kiss her (sometimes OCD and borderline autism is a good thing), I don't think he has any worries about her running amok.
Yesterday I went to school with her and brought her to her counsellors office. Turns out I am not nearly cool enough to understand her (her new fave saying), but her hip blonde guidance counsellor can say my words and they are magic. She now feels better. The kids have school have gotten over it, and she is still friends with the girl she kinda likes (yes now it is kinda, instead of for sure).
15 is a grand age, one of discovery, exploration and a slow cautious walk into self awareness. And my 15 year old is taking a much different path than most due to her disabilities, but my goodness, how wonderful that she tells me this stuff, can speak freely to her counsellor about it and is not afraid to tell her friends.....the confidence she shows in this situation is something I wish I had now. Wouldn't it be great if each of us were open and honest about who we are, what we want and where we stand....and were ready to hear it from others?
Have board meetings in Halifax tomorrow. What a great way to spend my Friday afternoon.....(EYEROLL)

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Freddy Town and Feelin Down

Sometimes people say to me...oh you are so lucky to get to travel around the provinces a bit, but honestly after a while it gets a bit taxing. I love my bed at home, my doggie and my remote. My kids and BF are not too bad either lol. If I could have the company I get when I am away, but still get to have the comforts of home at the same time I would be all set.
I read a news article this morning about a young man from New Brunswick who has been kicked out of the Quebec Juniors. He made racial slurs to a player of color who plays on another New Brunswick team. Seriously feller, who does that? Where do you live that you think it is ok, or even remotely cool to make ANY slurs about a person whether it is concerning their color, sexuality, race, religion, weight, height, eye color, etc? This is 2012 and the fact that this even exists anymore is beyond me. This kid is 19 and yes, 19 year old are impetuous, more likely to fly off the handle etc. But for heavens sake, my 4 year old cousin knows better.
It sometimes feels like we are taking steps backwards morally and etichally with the some of the kids people my age are sending out into the world. I was raised to treat everyone equally. I am trying to raise my girls the same way. But I know for a fact that there are others who allow their own prejudices, fears and ignorance to bleed over into the very lives we have sworn to protect and nuture with goodness, our little ones.
ahhhhhhhhhhh
29 below zero here today. Low fuel light is on in the rental. Cannot find a full service gas station. Winter coat is hung up in Cole Harbour.....what to do what to do.

Guess I will freeze me fingers off. *sigh*

Barney and Black Eyeliner

MacKenzie: Mommy can you help me withe my eyeliner
Me: Sure hun...come on in here
MacKenzie: I like being 15 Mommy because I get to wear make up
Me: I know! you are soo lucky!
MacKenzie: Guess what Mommy?
Me: What hun?
MacKenzie: I watched a new Barney episode this morning and it was so good. and Baby Bop was jealous, and Barney sang a new song
Me (with a lump in my throat): That's awesome baby.

Sometimes it really hits me just how different my big girl is. She seems to be stuck in this murky in between worlds where is is not quite a teenager and she is not quite a little girl and I don't know if she knows hereslf what she is supposed to be doing. I keep telling her to just be herself, but she has started to ask me who that is. I can only imagine what goes on in her mind. How does it feel to adore winnie the pooh and barney and have to sleep with the lights on and 4 baby blankets, yet have 15 yr old hormones and mood swings? How does it feel to want people to talk to you, but have no idea how to talk to them? to want to have people to hang out with you, but no idea what to do when they get to your house.
And to be honest, I think she is the bravest person I know...she never gives up. She is always trying to move forward, to be like everyone else, to be a grown up. And then I have to help her in the bathroom. I have to make sure she has a plastic spoon and a straw in her drink. I make sure all of her blankets are folded and in the correct order on her bed, that her pooh bear and funny bunny are with her every night, that her light is on and no one breathes on her.
What can I do to make this better for her, to make this journey an easier one, to make the road a little smoother. I have no idea but I keep on trying.

In the meantime......it's back to Barney and Black Eyeliner.

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