I am about to rant, so if you need a coffee go get it now.
I am by no means a perfect parent. I am far from it. I make numerous mistakes, forget things, disappoint them, and sometimes just have to walk into the bedroom and shut the door. But I do not ever, intentionally disrespect my children. Now I know that there are people who are already saying.."they need to respect us, not us them"..but I have never understood why one has to be exclusive of the other.
I am trying hard to teach my girls to always respect others, to have respect for their body's and to treat themselves with respect. How can I show them what this all means, when I am treating them like kaka, and embarrassing/belittling them whether at home or in public. And in my experience, the folks who are complaining loudest about a child's lack of respect, are the same folks who show the child absolutely none in return.
I have been a witness to kids being pushed aside in movie line-ups, told their opinion didn't matter, that they shouldn't $%#@*&^ swear, and having their butts swatted because they hit their brother. (that'll learn em).....now after being exposed to all of that, we tell them to have enough respect for yourself to not allow your body to be used inappropriately, love what you see in the mirror, be an advocate against bullying, live up to your potential and remember hands are for hugging not hitting. Whata farce.
The mixed messaging some children are being sent is absolutely disparaging. And now..to what set me off today....
I popped into no Frills to pick up a lunch for work. After I found what I was looking for I noticed that the yogurt was on sale and headed over to the cooler to get some. Blocking the cooler was a lady about my size, who looked rather haggard. Her cart was empty, she was taking loudly on her cell phone about how many bags of cigarettes she wanted brought to her and how she had people waiting to buy them. This was all aggravating enough. Then I saw that two little girls, possible twins were holding on to the side of the cart. They were around 3, the same age as my God baby. One was very obviously doing the pee-pee dance, while the other one was pulling on her moms pant leg, trying very hard to get her attention and to climb into the cart. So far, neither of them were making a sound though. As one pulled on the pants leg, supermom kept pushing her back with her hand and telling her to wait. This went on for about 45 seconds, when the other one (needing to pee) finally let her mom know in no uncertain circumstances that she needed to go...now. Mom put the phone down to her shoulder and said ' You can wait'. There were still no groceries in the cart, mom hadn't moved, I had no yogurt and the girls started to cry. Supermom didn't mind though. She continued on with her cigarette order and only acknowledged them long enough to hiss at them to shut up and shhhhhh. The little one who needed to pee was starting to panic. She asked her mom to please take her to the pot. Her mother said 'you are wearing a f'*&^% pull-up. if you need to piss, PISS!'...and went back to her call complaining about the kids. The crying of the girls had now taken on a little more energy, and I was getting ready to join them. They kept pulling at her clothes and saying ..Mommy, mommy, I want to get in the cart. . At this point she was reviewing last Thursday's episode of Survivor and didn't appreciate the interruptions....NOW...before I go any further, you need to know this. I also have two girls, I have been a single parent (I don't know if she was), I have been haggard, and bothered, and have actually left full grocery carts in stores when the girls didn't behave. I know what it means to be so frustrated that you can feel the fillings humming in your teeth, I know what it means to be overwhelmed with what needs to be done/paid for/bought/washed/cleaned/built/returned etc..so my feelings here are not coming from a place of 'holier than thou', and I certainly don't want to throw stones..but this made me cry.
Supermom had enough. She snapped her flip phone shut and turned on the two little girls like a nightmare. "ENOUGH" "You two don't deserve to sit in the cart""What the F*** is wrong with you" "I will put you in the cart when I am GD ready". "Jes** Chr**..you are embarrassing me". And all of this came out so barked and sharply that I was actually startled (and yogurtless).When Supermom yelled, they both became mute. The tears were still there and the little one who needed to pee looked to be trembling, but they didn't make a sound. I was still standing there, so I said (to this stranger), I can watch your (empty) cart if you want to take her to the bathroom. Her answer "she is just putting on an act.she just wants some f***** attention". and marched her cart on up the aisle while the two girls jogged behind her...silently. I could have picked one up and walked out the door and I don't think mom would have even noticed. My heart was achy after this...And I immediately pictured my girlies. I know how much it would hurt them if I ever did those things. I honestly think they would be scarred.
If mom talks to them and about them like this in public, how are they treated at home? They are little...of course they want attention. How will they have self worth when they are treated like this, how will they think they deserve to have partners who treat them well, when their mom treats them badly? They didn't look like they were being physically abused, but honestly, sometimes the scars we don't see, are the worst ones!
Anyway...I know I sound sanctimonious when I say these things but I can assure you...my girls KNOW their opinions matter, that they are precious, that they are beautiful, that they deserve to be treated well, that kindness is always your first response, that their bodies are their own, that they are people, the same way a 30 year old is 'people'...And because they are people, their place in the line up at the movies is as important as an adults, and if they are butted ....say something..POLITELY...but say something, and because they are people, they deserve to be treated well, to be loved and to be spoken to civilly.
If I knew who these girls were, or if I could have read the licence plate, I would have called child services (and yes I waited around to for them to come out..they were picked up by another woman driving a mini van and by the time I pulled my car around I couldn't read the license plate).
Maybe she is a great mom..maybe this was nothing but a snapshot of a really bad day..but honestly..the fact that both little girls knew to be silent when she yelled, and followed her mutely without argument, or further words tells me they have adapted to a life where going any farther has repercussions and the way they were spoken to was nothing new.
Now at 12 and 15...my girls still make me nuts, still drive me crazy and sometimes still ask me "Mommy can I sit in the cart?"..... and I still let them....
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