Barney and Black Eyeliner

MacKenzie: Mommy can you help me withe my eyeliner
Me: Sure hun...come on in here
MacKenzie: I like being 15 Mommy because I get to wear make up
Me: I know! you are soo lucky!
MacKenzie: Guess what Mommy?
Me: What hun?
MacKenzie: I watched a new Barney episode this morning and it was so good. and Baby Bop was jealous, and Barney sang a new song
Me (with a lump in my throat): That's awesome baby.

Sometimes it really hits me just how different my big girl is. She seems to be stuck in this murky in between worlds where is is not quite a teenager and she is not quite a little girl and I don't know if she knows hereslf what she is supposed to be doing. I keep telling her to just be herself, but she has started to ask me who that is. I can only imagine what goes on in her mind. How does it feel to adore winnie the pooh and barney and have to sleep with the lights on and 4 baby blankets, yet have 15 yr old hormones and mood swings? How does it feel to want people to talk to you, but have no idea how to talk to them? to want to have people to hang out with you, but no idea what to do when they get to your house.
And to be honest, I think she is the bravest person I know...she never gives up. She is always trying to move forward, to be like everyone else, to be a grown up. And then I have to help her in the bathroom. I have to make sure she has a plastic spoon and a straw in her drink. I make sure all of her blankets are folded and in the correct order on her bed, that her pooh bear and funny bunny are with her every night, that her light is on and no one breathes on her.
What can I do to make this better for her, to make this journey an easier one, to make the road a little smoother. I have no idea but I keep on trying.

In the meantime......it's back to Barney and Black Eyeliner.

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